The Court Jester
Imagine you were dating a girl for a while, let’s say 7 years. Things have been going really well for you guys as a couple, while at the same time you are personally thriving at your career. She may not have been the hottest partner between your friends, but she was pretty damn close. To her credit, whenever she seemed to be diminishing in a certain aspect of her appearance, she would do her upmost to rectify the issue, and for the most part accomplished just that. She just loved you so much, she was willing to do anything for you. This sounds like a perfect life, doesn’t it?
Oh, I forgot to mention one stipulation: it was known that at this point of your courtship, you would have the opportunity to go on a dating show. Your girlfriend would be one of the contestants vying for your affection as well and all indications pointed to you probably picking her at the end. Regardless, you step on the set. Once you see the red recording light turn on, you realize this moment is finally here. Choices…
As a result of the above metaphor, your personality which has been playful yet somewhat tame for your entire life changes instantly. You feel as though you are the most important person on the planet, and as such, you will dictate to your so-called “constituants” your decision on your own terms. Essentially, you take us all hostage all the while with a grin on your face. So we finally reconvene at the time you have personally chosen to unveil this stupendous announcement. The contestants are all back stage, nervous and sweaty, hoping to be chosen as yours. This almost seems surreal. All eyes on glued on you from all corners of the globe. The moment finally arises and as your girlfriend is covering her face due to fear, you simply utter the name of the biggest whore of the bunch.
The crowd is mixed with so many reactions. Cheers, Jeers, Curses, Silence, Shock. Your ex is inconsolable, becomes enraged and storms off the set back your place with really bad intentions. She is Charlize Theron in Monster crazy right now. While you are discussing your choice with the show’s host, people all over who are watching simply feel nauseous and disgusted with what has just transpired.
There were so many girls to choose from and you end up picking the Lindsay Lohan? Really? What happened to the guy we knew? The one who was poised to be a global icon. Weren’t you billed as the chosen one? Don Draper does not settle for the easiest broad available. That is what losers do. They want the sure thing. The easy lay. After all that build up, basically destroying his ex to the point of no return, giving hope to the other 4-5 girls he had a chance at, this fucking guy chooses the slut! WTF?!! This is complete bullshit!
This is exactly how last night’s embarrassment unfolded with Lebron James and the hideous show ESPN aired, The Decision. It was a train wreck. All throughout, James had a deer in the headlights look. He was scared. He knew what his decision meant. He knew the backlash that would cause in Cleveland, especially in the classless method he did it. Fans in each of the 5 spurned cities were all discouraged when their team was called, and that quickly turned to venom. In one fell swoop, LBJ made himself the most loathed player in the L. Every answer was cliched and calculated. He never revealed too much. The follow up questions were softballs and we still have yet to hear a logical reason as to what made each team’s pitch pale in comparison to ridding Wade’s coattails.
Since July 1, and probably before then, we all knew D Wade would be back with the Heat. His disengenious visits with Chicago simply bolstered that fact. He was a spy doing the wish of his mentor, that snake in the grass bastard Pat Riley. The whole free agency process was joke. Both him and Chris “I somehow got labeled a superstar when I couldn’t carry my team to 40 wins” Bosh knew that they would pair up in South Beach from jump street. They had film crews following them so they accepted meetings with prospective teams even when they really had no interest of actually listening to the pitches, just to hype up the documentary they are hoping to release. Is this the crossroads we are currently at? Manipulating people, franchises, fans and media in an effort to fabricate drama? This is sports not Hollywood. Although you’d have a tough time distinguishing between the two.
As Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy said earlier this week, “Bosh has been following Wade around for two weeks like his lapdog.” (Who doesn’t love NBA Ron Jeremy?) This is not fantasy basketball with your high school friends. This is the NBA damn it! Each city had its own merits towards recruiting LBJ. Chicago was the most logical choice, ready to win right now and for years to come. Carry on the Jordan legacy for a guy who supposedly idolized him. New York is the basketball Mecca. They had been waiting for this day for two years. Somehow shedding cap room the way 50 Cent shed weight for his upcoming role. Unbelievably, they got to their goal, but too, were spurned by James. The Nets and Clippers both had great young rosters that could have benefited from LBJ’s presence, but were not really in the mix. And then there’s Cleveland. I didn’t think he was coming back, because they seemed to have maxed out as a team with their current roster. They can’t sign any free agents and were not poised to make any significant moves to better themselves. But the way in which Lebron went about this was simply atrocious. But Cavs fans had enough energy to get off the floor, without removing the knife from their backs, and light his jersey on fire. James’ face said it all when he saw the footage live on air. Hell hath no fury like a cursed sports city scorned.
There is a sector of people who applaud James for choosing Miami, teaming up with his two buddies, and taking less money to try and win. But they are wrong. This is not the type of winning that is hoped for. You shouldn’t hijack a title this way. Some may say the Celtics did this very thing 3 years ago. But that was a different scenario for several reasons. Both Jesus Shuttlesworth and The Kid were traded to Boston. They along with Pierce were veterans who all tried to succeed on their own but always came up short. Those are not the same circumstances as The Thrice in Miami. Wade already has a ring. He will always be one up on his duo of Robins. And no matter how successful they are or aren’t as a trio, it will be forever Miami Wade County. Lebron was supposed to be an all-time great. But someone who is held in that regard would never leave his team in the prime of his career to join forces with the next best player in the league. What happened to working for a championship that you earned? He took the easy way out, plain and simple. Lebron is A-Rod, who joined Jeter to win. It is still Jeter’s team and city. He will be able to retire, look at his hand, and see how many more rings he has than A-Rod.
When Lebron mentioned casually that he would be changing his jersey number from 23 to 6 this season in honor of Michael Jordan, we all looked at that towards being a hint of him joining the Bulls. But we should have looked a bit deeper and known it was a clear sign he was joining the sorry Miami Heat. Being the only franchise besides Chicago to retire Jordan’s number 23, LBJ knew he would be switching to 6, only we didn’t connect the dots. I wonder what MJ was thinking last night when he saw this play out. Someone get me Bill Murray on the phone!
After James squirmed through saying the words “South Beach”, Jim Gray didn’t even have the journalistic integrity to ask some actual follow up questions. Even when he treaded lightly into murky waters, Lebron deflected every inquiry with a blasé answer. Don’t we deserve to hear answers from him after he has dominated the country’s thinking for the past few weeks? We are not worthy of such requests, it seems. The NBA was in fact weakened last night. The actual ramifications will only be told in the coming months and years. I must have missed the memo where it noted that LBJ was bigger than the game of basketball. In a few short days I went from having no emotional attachment to James while marveling at his game, to completely hating him for being a fraud and a coward. Even one of James’ closest confidants in the media, Brian Windhorst of the Plain Dealer had some interesting thoughts on LBJ 2.0.
So for now, we will be able to move on with our lives. Well, most of us anyway. Cleveland will be on suicide watch for the foreseeable future. Within the past 12 hours it went from a championship contender to a ghost town. Just look at what Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert had to say moments after the announcement was made. This will be another heartbreak in a long line of bad memories for Cleveland. The Betrayal may end up being the worst of them all; only time will tell. One thing we do know for sure though, you can’t be The King when you are, at best, The Prince of your team.
