Sun
Mar
21
The Jerk Store List
Lately a lot of people have been irritating me in some way, even more than the norm. As a result, I’ve decided to make a list and expose these idiots for the hooligans they are! So sit back and live vicariously through me (and the legend that is Can’t Stand Ya) as we run down this edition of the “Jerk Store”:
- To the asshole who owns an expensive, fast, and energetic automobile (i.e. BMW, Mercedes, etc.) and decides to drive as though he is steering a ‘79 Town Car. This isn’t The Wonder Years. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, SISTER!
- To the dicks on my block (you can swap ‘block’ for ‘all of Brooklyn’) who are so for 2 reasons: Firstly, for not using garbage bags when throwing out their trash. Therefore allowing the debris to scatter up and down the street whenever a gust of wind occurs. I don’t need to be cleaning your shit off my garden every day. And secondly, for those same pricks using flimsy plastic bins that tip over with the slightest tap. (Whether it be a mouse scurrying for food or those freak-show collectors who are on their own personal scavenger hunt for cans and bottles.)
- To the sniveling putz manager at my local post office who really needs to reassess his power. You handle my mail, Newman. You’re a glorified e-mail service, albeit it a retro version. So shut your trap and keep the sarcastic remarks to a minimum or the next time you ask for a stamp, I will kick you in the balls and use some super glue to stick them to my package.
- To the Verizon guy who is always asking, “Can you hear me now? Good.” Well guess what, schmuck, I am in the mall and I have no service. So stop spewing your bullshit and strengthen your signals. Can YOU hear ME now? GOOD!
- To the low-life meter-maids who prey on cars like desert vultures on rotting carcass or Kristie Alley eyeing the last slice of pie. Stop loitering by my vehicle when you see the meter showing a minute left. Fuck your damn quotas for tickets (and of course revenue) for the city. To quote my man Senator Clay Davis, “SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”
- To Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. No real reason here, they are just super gay. Not in the NPH kind of way. More like the Jon & Kate kind of way.
To all of you, I say this emphatically and aggressively: THE JERK STORE CALLED, THEY’RE RUNNING OUT OF YOU!
