Snarf
I sometimes feel as though I am still a teenager. I mean, that would be weird; well, not if I was from the Spears family. What I mean is, I have two kids and I definitely don’t say “y’all”. Anywho, they are the greatest - the kids, not the Spears family. (Except for the need of constant attention, crapping so often that the place smells like Penn Station, and depriving me of sleep.)
Nevertheless, I’ve found myself having somewhat of a cartoon renaissance because I am always watching some show on Disney Channel or Noggin. (Is there any reason they can’t just watch Sportscenter for more than 4 straight minutes? Come to think of it, my wife suffers from the same affliction. Huh.) I used to LOVE cartoons when I was younger and still have such affection for a certain few. However, I fear that my children won’t have that same joy and connection looking back on their cartoons when they grow older.
WHAT HAPPENED TO CARTOONS???
Back in the day, you could walk up to any of your friends and tell him that you wanted to play Thundercats or GI Joe, and he would know exactly what you meant. You would each choose to be a character and make up some action with your imagination, careful to be true to the figure you were portraying. And if those are too violent for you, how about classics such as Ducktales or The Cowboys of Moo-Mesa (shout out to Vlad)?
But today, it is as if someone drugged cartoons one day and went Lorena Bobbitt (for you youngsters) on them. Cartoons nowadays are for pussies, plain and simple! Nobody is running up to their friends and saying “Who wants to play Dora The Explorer?” Do you know why that is? Because who wants to pretend to be a hotel maid in training? Dora is such a condescending bitch, always asking questions as if we’re morons. What was going through the creator’s head when he came up with this masterpiece? Ok, there’s this little Spanish girl who looks like a mini-dyke. She has a pet monkey and a magical talking map. Best of all, there is an evil fox who follows her around trying to rob her. This is what we are showing our toddlers?
The other half of this castration is due to the fact that evidently over time cartoons had to include a message and/or education in every episode. Why can’t it just be about watching the freaking cartoons? I’m pretty sure that my generation isn’t a bunch of idiots just because we didn’t count how many cows Mickey Mouse moved into the barn. If this asshole Blue is so smart that he can leave clues all over the place, why can’t he just tell us what the hell he wants from jump street? Because, that is state of cartoons today. There is no common sense because all these networks are scared of being seen as not PC or eco-friendly. Fuck that noise. Will things change in the coming months and years? To quote a great cop, “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.”
